As I write this, it has been nearly 9 years since that season spent in the refining fire of fear. Throughout that season—and even at various times in the years that have followed—I sought to understand the source of the fear. Was it something sent by God? Did it originate physically in my body—the result of some chemical imbalance? Or was it a spiritual attack from the devil? During those weeks I spent hours wrestling with this question in the pages of my journal, thinking that if I could just understand where the fear was coming from then I could figure out how to conquer it. 

I never found my answer to that question, and I don’t think that I will this side of eternity. But I’ve come to see that in the end, it doesn’t really matter. Because regardless, I believe that in the end God has worked His purposes through it to refine me. It was a season of my life that was incredibly painful; it broke me down emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. But in the Lord’s hands it was an effective tool to shape and refine my soul in ways that—in the end—made it worth every tear and every sleepless night. As the Apostle Paul reminds us in his letter to the Romans:

“In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) 

About a week into that season I was offered an “out”—a way to escape the consuming fear. Once the doctors established that there was nothing wrong with my heart, they prescribed me a powerful medication for anxiety. The temptation was significant; presented with the opportunity to “flip the switch” and no longer have to wrestle with the fear that was suffocating me. Now I am not saying that the use of medication to address anxiety is wrong—in fact in recent years I have sought help in managing my more “run of the mill” anxiety that can make life more difficult on a daily basis. That is something that has had a significant positive impact on my life, and something that I have been so grateful for. But in that moment I knew deep in my soul that what I was experiencing had a purpose, and that rather than running away I needed to remain and let it do its work. And through that I learned that this well-known verse from the letter to the Hebrews is not just a set of nice words to motivate my workouts, but is true and trustworthy:

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

 I know those words are true because on the other side of that refining work, I found a sense of peace and assurance that had previously evaded my spirit. And that has been a priceless gift to me. Would I have wished that the Lord could have found a less painful way to accomplish His purposes? Absolutely. But I trust that God—in His infinite wisdom and love—knew exactly what was needed to discipline me in that season. Earlier in the chapter the author of Hebrews quotes from the book of Proverbs: 

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” (Hebrews 12:6)

While the wisdom of the world told me to run from the fear and the pain that it brought, I believe that the Lord called me to remain and to trust that He had a purpose in that pain—even if I was not able to see it. Now that was a unique and specific circumstance, and in no way prescriptive for every experience or season of pain. But what it taught me was the importance of seeking the Lord even—and especially—in times of difficulty and pain. To resist the temptation to run from it, explain it away, or wallow in self-pity, and instead to allow it to be a beacon light calling me to fix my eyes on the Lord. It taught me to hold my pain out to the Lord with open hands and first ask “what is Your purpose and will for me in this? How do You want to use it?”

Sometimes the answer is that He wants to take it away as I come to Him.

Sometimes the answer is that it is intended to call me to repentance in a particular area.

Sometimes the answer is that I need to simply remain and wait on Him in hope and trust.    

The refining fire of fear burned fast and hot. While it felt like an eternity in the moment, it did not take long for me to get to see the Lord bring me to the other side and show me His craftsmanship. But fear has not been the only refining fire in my life; other fires have burned more slowly and with less intensity—taking years or even a lifetime to accomplish their refining work. But the same God who was faithful to bring me through the fire of fear and leave me singing His praises on the other side is faithful to bring me through whatever other fire I may face—no matter how long it takes. 

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:1-5)

This season of my life bolstered and strengthened my hope more than any other. While prior to this I had hope that God could deliver me from hardship and pain, through this experience I found a hope that God can use and redeem any circumstance. As I reveled in what He was accomplishing in my heart through that experience, I found myself awestruck at the goodness of a God who can take something so hard and painful and turn it into something so beautiful. It left me with a hope that does not fear whatever hardship or pain may still be ahead, because it is a hope grounded not in the circumstances of life but in the character and faithfulness of the One who holds it all. 

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” (Psalm 30:11-12, ESV)

As I conclude these reflections, I offer this prayer—both for myself and any who have taken the time to read the words I’ve shared:

May we revel in the amazing love of God revealed in Christ Jesus that sets us free from the bondage of fear and makes us right with Him. May we trust in the Lord not only in word but in deed, and may our trust in God form our firm foundation in a fearful and fear-filled world. May we truly know the weight of our sin and the magnitude of God’s mercy and grace that meets us in our confession. May we know the grace of God deep in our souls and rest in His provision, and let that rest empower us for lives of fruitful service in response to His great love for us. And may we have the wisdom and faith to remain in the fires that God intends for our refining, trusting that He will accomplish His purposes and bring us to the other side singing His praises. Grace and Peace to you.